15 April 2010

:: The Quarter Life Crisis ::

             

              Sepotong donat + 2 biji Paramex + a cup coffe, Kucoba hadir kembali di pagi ini..mencoba nampak biasa-biasa saja..! mencoba tak ada apa-apa, dan berterimakasih untuk pertama kali dengan pekerjaan yang kugeluti sekarang yang mewajibkan untuk tampil tersenyum setiap saat. Meski sebenarnya aku tak ingin tersenyum hari ini. Akhir-akhir ini saya merasa kehilangan diri saya. Ahrgg.. mungkin kelihatan sangat ironis. Say tidak tahu apa yang sedang saya alami. Saya hanya bisa menangis dan menangis karena saking tidak mengertinya apa yang sedang saya alami.

                  Dan kembali pagi ini, saya seperti menemukan orang asing dalam diri saya. Entah apa yang terjadi pada saya, pelan-pelan saya mulai membenci diri saya. Kehidupan saya, orang-orang di sekitar saya. pekerjaan saya yang menoton. Hidupku seperti tinggal menekan tombol Enter saja. Dan saya tinggal menjalaninya...seperti itu terus dan terus..! dan yang paling saya benci, saya mulai takut kesendirian...kemarin saat saya meluapkan semua yang saya rasa dengan bermain flying fox, hampir saja saya melepas tali pengaman yang melekat di tubuh saya, saat sedang berada di ketinggian. Arghhhhhhhhhhh...........stupidddddddddddd.........!!! 

Bahkan dalam doaku, saya menggugat Tuhan. Kukatakan pada-Nya, IA terlalu kebanyakan ngasih saya cobaan akhir-akhir ini. Imam saya masih kecil, ini terlalu berat untuk manusia dengan imam kerdil seperti saya..!!

Tapi Tuhan diam...!! sudahlah...

Kubilang pada-Nya lagi, kalau begitu biarkan saya sendiri..! 

                    Dan pagi ini, dalam perjalanan ke kantor, saya mencoba mencari-cari 'nama penyakit' yang sedang kualami pada google. Dan saya menemukan catatan ini....




The Quarter-Life Crisis



by unknown 
 




It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. 

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you. 

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.
You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all. 

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. 

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.
One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. 

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender! 

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. 


                    Hmmm...........apapun nama penyakit yang sedang saya alami ini. Saya harap semua cepat berlalu.....dan saya kembali menemukan diri saya yang hilang.............

1 komentar:

  1. Saya cuma menambahkan dari apa yang disampaikan Mario Teguh bahwa, "kalau kau gelisah, berimanlah; kalau kau kesepian, berimanlah; kalau kau merasa terasing dengan dirimu sendiri, berimanlah... berimanlah sampai kau menyadari: kebahagiaan begitu sederhana untuk dirasakan, dipahami dan dibagi."

    BalasHapus

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